*BACON* Meet Ponytail Guy: MCLA Campus Icon, Confessions Page Celebrity, & Heartthrob

Dylan Slonka, Staff Writer

Disclaimer: The Bacon is the April Fool’s Edition of The Beacon. The following story is purely for entertainment and is NOT meant to be taken as a serious news story!

This semester has seen an uptick in the amount of unknowing people who are featured on the MCLA Confessions Instagram page. One of them is the “Ponytail Guy”, so called because of his long blonde ponytail and imposing height of over six feet. He has become a hot topic on the MCLA Confessions page, with many users expressing admiration and even some romantic feelings toward him.

Today the God of MCLA confessions, the bastion of intrigue for assorted MCLA students, has finally been asked about his role on this campus. The answers he gave were shocking! Completely contrary to popular belief! Likely to send his anonymous Instagram admirers into uncontrolled fits of hysteria!

He is a college student.

Not a God, just a man pursuing an education. The fame he received was what one might call a “generational flashpoint.” As the generations become more excitable due to heightened social perceptions and start using “Facebook” (Is that what the kids call it?) more through their attractive tracking devices, cases like this will persist.

Ponytail Dude has become the target of “social media Beatlemania”. Before 1964 young people in America had never seen a “mop-top”. Now, before the year 2023, American young people at MCLA must have evidently never seen a blonde ponytail on a guy before.

A group of sheltered young people saw the ponytail and the height, which awoke strange sensations in them. Through the power of anonymity, they posted to the forum all the hidden things they don’t have the guts to say in public. In a campus this small, people who stand out are given special attention. Some of the incoming freshmen may have never seen a tall person before, so as freshmen do, they made a huge deal about it. Looking upon a ponytail also may have been a new experience for these fresh-faced students, who are likely used to only seeing pigtails, therefore a ponytail may be a bit too much for them to take in.

Suddenly, Ponytail Man was famous simply for being here on campus, living his student life, while being tall and having hair.

“It confuses me endlessly. I appreciate it, it’s been the biggest ego boost I could possibly ask for. But like, I dunno, this wasn’t a thing that happened last year and I’m, for the most part, the same person that I was,” he said.

Ponytail Guy’s ego is as healthy as his workout routine, which may or may not include benching in jeans, depending on the day, but he will never let his ego go unchecked. Remaining humble is a priority for him.

“Capitalizing on [newfound fame] would just be kind of narcissistic,” he said, “I’m just a dude.”

Although the thirsty and impetuous confessions have died down, we must consider the lesson to be learned in the case of the Ponytail Fellow. Get to know other people beyond their physical characteristics. As other confessions have noted, if you like someone on campus just “shoot your shot” (perfect phrase for the Tinder generation) and get to know them on a personal level.

He is a student attending MCLA just like all of us. Don’t put others on a pedestal. Get to know them gradually and the rewards will be great. Oh crap, this sounds mad preachy. It’s a good lesson, though! Really! Hello? Oh, you’ve already moved on to something else? Well, if you’ve stuck around to the end, please continue to enjoy the Bacon!

Brought to you by Short Invisible Bacon Reporter.