*BACON* An Anonymous Love Letter to the Bacon

?????, Unkown Stalker

Disclaimer: The Bacon is the April Fool’s Edition of The Beacon. The following story is purely for entertainment and is NOT meant to be taken as a serious news story!

Disclaimer (again): This creepy, yet somehow flattering anonymous letter to the editor does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of The Bacon staff … However, we can’t blame this student for being in love with us, I mean, who wouldn’t be??

Edgar Allen Poe once said, “For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Jillian C; And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes Of the beautiful Sarah T; And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side Of my Nicole L—my darling—my life and my bride, In her sepulchre there by the sea— In her tomb by the sounding sea.”

I am irrevocably head over heels for the three of you. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and I love you. It is a fact of life. It is all that makes sense in this world. I have traveled through this life blindly and now, with you, I see the light.

Nicole, your laugh is a melody that haunts my every waking moment. I prefer the sound of your voice to any Harry Styles song. When I dream it is of your supple, smooth complexion and sharp as a blade jawline. Oh, won’t you let me cut the diamonds for your wedding band on those cheekbones. I vow to you that I will wash your emotional support water bottle every day.

Jill, all that I am is yours. You take up every ounce of my body and spirit. My devotion to you is like the ocean; seemingly endless and a little scary. If I were to be with you every morning I would serenade you awake with “Boy’s a Liar” and “Roman’s Revenge”. When you dance it is hypnotic, I cannot rip my loving gaze away. Your smile alone could end wars. I would willingly drown in those beautiful blue eyes, a most perfect end.

Sarah, my perfect and wonderful happily ever after, every relationship I’ve gone through has all been leading to you. There are no jewels that compare to when the sunlight hits your hair and makes it shimmer gold. I would follow you to the end of the earth if it meant you would hold my hand on the way. There are no stars in the sky that outshine the ones in your eyes. Cocosarah22 —my sweetest of treats, won’t you let me hold the tripod that is your heart?

There are not enough words to describe how I feel. I could read and highlight every romance novel hoping to find the perfect words and it would still not be enough. You are my air, my sun, my moon, my stars, my aurora. Not even Taylor Swift could put the way I feel into words. If you are Goddesses, then I am worshiping on my knees at your altar.

I will look for you all in every lifetime. Please ease my pain with your love.